Some things are better left unsaid

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 21:06:34 GMT

Why can't I shake the feeling that this is the beginning of the end?

I don't think I've felt this alone in a very, very long time.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 04:28:57 GMT

I'm falling. Quickly. And it's wonderful, and amazing, and strange. And a scary...because it's going to hurt when it's all over. A lot. But...it's worth it, right?

You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

Thu, 24 May 2007 02:57:59 GMT

And you close your eyes, and you remember those hurtful words. And you open your eyes, expecting them to be gone with the memory...but they aren't. Instead, it's a mirror image of them, coming from someone you never thought they'd come from.

And you can't quite help but wonder...is it you?

Mon, 21 May 2007 04:21:22 GMT

So many feelings... I'm confused and blissfully ignorant, tired and wide awake, reckless and reserved, happy and sad, fantastic and terrible, worried and confident, hurt and loved, lonely and crowded...all at the same time. I'm on new ground, and I don't know if tomorrow, next week, next year, I'll be thankful or regret it. But I'm feeling, which is more than has happened for...a while. I haven't updated in over 3 months, because I couldn't say anything. That isn't happening anymore...

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 07:45:20 GMT

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:30:33 GMT

Right, so, I'm supposed to be in class in like...5 minutes, but first:

~I love Lauren, because she's beautiful in every sense of the word, but in a way that's natural and not fake. And because she's always there, and she's proof that people can find themselves in the muck, and that it may just take a while.
~I love Anais. I just do. If I start listing reasons, I'll be here forever. She's SO alive, it's incredible. And she's probably the most empathetic and spiritual person in the universe.
~I love Emma Feesh, because she's also there, giving hugs, and saying things like "I'm throwing a tantrum. Indulge me." She's wise, and loving, and caring and she just generally gives off a feeling of love and safety.
~I love Dustin, because he tries to make people feel good about themselves, gives me my phone when I leave it lying around, and knows the words to "please forgive me" by David Gray. And will sing them.

~I love Che, because he's adorable, and will be a lady killer in about 5 years.
~I love Teddy, because even if he's INSANE, he gets my jokes. And reads my mind. And gives AMAZING hugs. Plus, he's just a loving and fantabulous guy.
~I love Clarisa, because she puts up with me in Bio and Chem. She'll talk to me about real things, that most people forget exist, and we can be amused over a chemistry sheet.
~I love my sister, because even though 90% of the time I want to chuck a glass at her, she'll sometimes do something sweet and I'll remember that she's a good kid, deep down.
~ I love Tay, because after not seeing each other for YEARS, we can talk for five mintues, and be back where we were when we left off.

~I love Jake, because...well. He taught me how to cook, enough said. And he writes amazing songs.
~ I love my mother, because even though most of the time I wish she'd just take some mood stabalizers, and leave me alone...I realize that having a daughter with my problems, and another with Glenda's must be pretty stressful, at the end of the day.
~I love Sonja, because she's hilarious and sweet. And incredibly understanding. <3<3<3
~I love Spencer, because....well. I'm not really sure why. I guess because he doesn't get upset about the fact that I'm a nutcase, and he cares enough to call me once in a while, and make me talk to him for a few hours. And he's probably the only person who has really understood me.
~I love Adam, because, despite....yeah, he can be a pretty good guy, who'll give you a hug if you really need it.

~ I love Kaite, because she can finish my sentences! And she's so much deeper than most people realize. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is so aware of things.
~ I love Janet, because she cusses and it's still adorable. And because she inspires me to work hard.
~ I love Dana, because even though she's a complete PAIN sometimes, she'll always be my best friend. She may act like I drive her off the wall, but then, she'll stay on the computer with me ALL night, until I leave to the airport, because I'm upset about something, and I leave to Canada in the morning.
~I love Anna, because she's honest, no matter who she is talking to. And she's passionate about what she does, and puts 110% into it.
~I love Ashley, because she's always there with a hug.

~ I love Katie (A) because she's a absolutely a complete sweetheart, and she says the funniest things.
~ I love Kev, because even though I haven't talked to him in forever, we were still able to talk! And catch up on stuff.
~I love Luke, because he tries sooo hard at trumpet. It's insane dedication.
~ I love Kaleb, because he'll have super long conversations with me, and will ask me questions that make me stop and actually really THINK. And because he's a great guy.
~ I love Jill, because I barely know her, and yet we still make it a point to get together and do things.
~ I love Kristoff, because he's put up with for YEARS (wow. time flies...), even though I'm CRAZY ridiculous and dramatic. Like all the time. And because he's focused, and will probably do something incredible to change the world.
~ I love Ashley F. because she's ALSO always there with a hug, and she has a huge, beautiful heart to match her eyes. :-P And she's just adorable.
~I love MARY F. because she'll talk nonsense with me.

~I love Mimi, because she's as scared of you-know-who as I probably am. And she's sooo unique.
~I love Maddy for many, many reasons...but mostly because she rocks the bongos.
~ I love Matthew, because he's taught me a lot of things, and because he's stubborn.
~I love Sarah (N) because she loves the Anne of Green Gables movies!!! Teehee. And because she loves what she does.
~ I love Ben, because he's also passionate about what he does. And he's always there for me, with huge Ben hugs. And vice-versa.

She says "hey, boy, whatcha crying for? It'll be okay, in the end..."

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 11:34:29 GMT

Dear you,
People don't give you enough credit, do they? You're such an amazing girl, and we all just overlook you. And the thing is...there's so much more to you than meets the eye. You're so complex. This summer, we became pretty close, and you broke down with me. And the fact that you are so empathetic that you just GOT it was amazing. It's weird, because you are the most "spiritual" person I know, and you don't even try or care about that sort of thing. You're more mature and just...."good" than any other girl I have ever met. And not just that, but you're emotions are real! Most people seem to try to make themselves feel these things...make drama for themselves. But you don't. It's amazing. You're amazing. And I can't believe that I ever forget that. I love you so much!
It's alright, and it's nice not to be so alone....

Dear you,
I love you too...Except lately...I don't know. I'm starting to see how much of a hypocrite you are, and I can't remember when that started happening. You act like you are so wise, and like you understand everything, everyone. Like you're more mature than the rest of us, almost. Like you're almost better. And sometimes, I find myself believing it. But then...then I realize that you are so incredibly naive. And you don't even see it, do you?
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason...

Dear you,
Oh boy, I don't think you'll ever understand how much I adore you. You are probably the only person in the entire world who understands me. You complain that I don't tell you everything...but I tell you sooo much more than I tell anyone else. About my life, about my past, about...well, things I can't talk about. And I don't know why, other than that you're the first person I've ever really trusted. I probably shouldn't trust you, but I do. But you have to understand that I have my reasons. You say that you find it funny that I push people away, that I change myself to do so when I get to close... But maybe I have a reason. Maybe, love, you don't know quite everything. And maybe, there are some things that I can't tell you. At least, not just yet. And I just wish you'd see how great you are. You don't see it. And you don't like that I do, do you?
Someone tries to hide himself, deep inside himself..

Dear you,
I worry about you. All the time. The choices you make cause my head to spin, and want to hug you and stop you. But then I realize...that's who you are. You're so much braver than the rest of us...You're passionate, and you don't do things with half effort. You're someone who is going to make her own path, not by walking through the uncut grass, but by taking the most difficult route you can find, and you WILL come out shining and glorious. Everyone loves you, because you make them feel. Make them see. You're so honest with everything, even the way you move. You aren't afraid to be yourself, ever. And it's funny, because there are so many people around us that think they don't care. And you know it, I'm sure. But they do, and only end up looking ridiculous for it. But you, you are one of the few people I've ever met who is *really* just themselves. I can't wait to see you in 10 years from now, and see how far you've gone. I love you!
I'm not afraid, a trembling flower. I'll feel your heart, and blow the dust from your eyes..

Dear you,
Ho-boy. What to say about ....I suppose first of all, I should give you crap about your self confidence. Being that it's terrible, and all. You deserve so much better than you've seemingly received over the part years. You're a little insane, sure, but you're also kind and considerate. I'm so glad I got to know you. really. I just hope you find someone who'll treat you with the love you completely and utterly deserve.
All he ever does is walk alone

Dear you,
What happened? We were pretty close for a while, and I miss you. Agh, I regret so much now. I convinced myself that it wouldn't change anything, but it has, hasn't it? *sigh* It's so frustrating, because I'm starting to need that friend more than ever, but I'm not sure I can have that back, or if I even deserve that back. I do hope that everything is good for you though. Now, and in the future. You mean a ton to me, even if we aren't real close.

Dear you,
I'm worried about you, hun. Why don't you tell us anything? We love you.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 06:32:36 GMT

Why don't we ever learn?

I let myself love her again this week. Well, I always love her...But I let myself *really* care. I do that when I'm sick. I always do...I love to just be held until I fall asleep, to talk...I don't know why, but I've always been like that. This week, I did it again. I let myself, trying to convince myself that maybe I wouldn't get hurt this time.

But people don't change, do they? Not really.

Fuck. I hate it here. So much. I want to get out more than anything, and now it looks like I won't even be able to do that.

So what's the point?

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 23:05:40 GMT

I just realized that I have been constantly sick since the week before finals with head colds/flus/strep throats/everything. And with all the other random health stuff....AGH. I want a new body. Now. Emma gets one too.

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 08:43:12 GMT

$~~~ About you~~~$

Basics
Name:
Devin

Nickname:
Dev, Devi, Devipoo....Various other things that people come up with,

Age:
16 and...a quarter, I suppose. :-D

Birthday:
Jan. 4

Birthplace:
Timmins Ontario.

Zodiac sign:
Capricorn, I think.

Eye color:
Brownish-yellowish-green.

Hair color:
Dark red. :-(

Height:
I'm short. We don't need to get into HOW short.

Weight:
Uhm, the last time I checked the scale was in Canada beg. of January, and it said 107lbs. So about that, give or take 5lbs or so.

Heritage:
Scottish (dur) and French. And a little bit of eskimo. (Yes. I am part eskimo. How freaking awesome is that?)

Marital status:
I'm married. Obviously. I also have 12 children, and a dog named Fred.

Most overused quote:
I say " I mean...." a lot. And "ridiculous."

Favorites
Food:
Pizza, pasta, various Italian foods. :-D/:-P

Drink:
Ice water, juciey juce. Pedialite (sp?) makes me very, very happy. :-)

Alcoholic drink:
Wine, I suppose. Or vodka + orange juice.

Candy:
Skittles, or chocolate.

Place to be:
With someone I love.

Number:
9, 7.

Color:
Green, purple, brown, amber.

Sport:
Hockey is super cool.

Sports athlete:
...yeah, no clue.

Music type:
It changes on a daily basis.

Song:
Ditto. Although, at the moment, I'm liking "Walk Alone" by Jack Johnson, "It is love" by hellogoodbye, and "Hello, I love you" by the Doors. Oh, and Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor, op. 18, Adagio Sostenuto.

Music artist:
Likewise...Changes daily.

Movie:
Too many. Among them are A Walk to Remember, Braveheart, Mona Lisa Smile, Notting Hill, and Eternal Sunshine. And the Anne of Green Gables movies. :-D

Actor:
Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Zack Braff.

Actress
Well, Julia Roberts is super cool. As is Maggie Gyllenhaal.

TV show:
Scrubs!

Body part on opposite sex:
Arms. Don't ask, I'm just weird...

In a Guy/Girl
Eye color:
Blue or green. Brown is a little boring. Although, I don't really care.

Hair color:
Anything natural looking.

Long or Short hair:
Well, somewhere in between.

Style:
....something not gross?

Looks or Personality:
Personality. Dur.

Hot or Cute:
Cute. Hot guys usually know that they are. Cute guys you want to cuddle and kiss on the nose. :-P

Drugs or Alcohol:
How about neither. But if one, alcohol.

Body type:
Just not super buff. That freaks me out.

Your:
Bedtime:
When I can actually fall asleep....So basically never. :-P

Current crush:
Does anyone actually answer this question? Anyway, shoo, don't pester me with stupid questions. If I want the world to know, I would hardly say it on a survey.

Most missed memory:
I have a few.

Best physical feature:
Uhm. Like I've said before, I'm pretty dang fond of the nail on my left pinkie finger....

Goal for this year:
Good grades, not throwing myself off of bridge, not pushing OTHER people off bridges, or other high objects, attempting to be organized. (Hah.)

Dream job:
Teaching.

Dream car:
I don't have one. Except, I really like those cool sunroof things.

Current car:
Ford Escort. :-D It's pinkish purple. And adorable.

Fears:
Being alone forever, being a horrible person, and not knowing how to get out of that.

Pet peeves:
People who are idiots in front of kids. That drives me NUTS.

Your friends
Best:
Dana, Ani, Bridget, Sonja, Lauren, Janet, Kristoff, Spencer..... I have a ton that I consider "best friends."

Loudest:
I'm thinking it's Lauren. Or maybe Janet. Or Teddy. Or Ani...

Craziest:
Mmm, yeah, probably Tay.

Shyest:
Ali, or...Sonja, maybe? None of my friends are exactly shy....

Most arrogant:
They're mostly theatre people. Dumb question.

Most likely to get arrested:
I agree with Lauren...Michelle. ;-P

Most likely to be famous:
Sonja or Lauren H.

Funniest:
Ani, without doubt.

Tallest:
Matt...?

Shortest:
Ani.

Known the longest:
Kylie.

Known the least longest:
*sigh* Uh, probably Becca G.

Meanest:
Dana, but only if I leave trash on the ground, or I try to hug her. :-P

Prettiest:
My friends are all insanely beautiful, but if I had to pick, it'd be a tie between Sonja, Ani, Kaite, Becca, and Amanda.

This or that:
Pepsi or Coke:
Pepsi.

McDonald's or Burger King:
Subway...Although, I can stand the McDonald's salads.

Pizza or Spaghetti:
Ooh, that's tricky.....Erm....Pizza, because I have it less often.

Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate.

Love or Money:
Love.

Dog or Cat:
Cat.

Rap or Punk:
Opera. ;-P

Summer or Winter:
Summer.

Random ?s
Do you want to go to college?:
Dur.

If so, which one?:
I'm torn between a few...Among them are St. Olaf, Biola, Baylor, UofP, UVA....

Do you want to get married?:
Not really.

If so to who?:
....

Do you drive?:
Yes. Poorly.

Do you smoke?:
No.

Do do drugs?
Nope.

Do you shower often?:
Daily, thanks.

Do you have you play any sports?:
I played hockey....and basketball....and volleyball...And I did figure skating and track. Not really sure why I don't any more, to be honest. Maybe I should. :-P

If so, which ones:

Was this survey fun?:
Not really.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 06:57:35 GMT

Agh, fuckittyfuckfuckfuck.

I'm starting to think that happiness is completely sporadic. (I know, took me long enough to figure out what the rest of the world has apparently figured out....) And that you tend to be even less happy than you were the last time you were miserable.

Ha, I just realized that if this were a movie, it would be the part where I got completely drunk. Nice.

Amen...

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 06:02:46 GMT

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 00:16:22 GMT

WHY????

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 04:08:18 GMT

Today I:

~Was asked to the Valentine's dance by two people, and have actually managed to learn how to say no to people. (Go me! w00t!)
~Got reaallly, reaallly ticked off. (See below)
~Cuddled with Ani
~Hugged Lauren a TON
~Made jokes with Teddy
~Missed Becca (FEEL BETTER!!!!!)
~Danced in the rain
and
~Made babies with Ashley. (One ended up having black hair and blue eyes...How cool is that?!)

Oops. :-P I'm really ticked off though...A-certain-teacher-whose-name-I-won't-say-but-who-you-all-know-I'm-talking-about went too far today. And grrrr. He had the gall to call me a slacker. And that reeeeeaaallly makes me mad, because that's like...the one thing that I'm NOT. If he had called me a bitch, ungrateful, hypocritical, WHATEVER, I would have just been like "Meh. Whatevs." But....AGH! How the HECK does he get that??? I volunteer like...5-10 hours a week, it looks like I'll have a 16hr a week job very, very soon, I'm in all advanced clases IN school, plus 6 on my own time, which, I might add, have a HELL OF A LOT OF FREAKING HOMEWORK, I have to take care of my insane sister, and slightly manic mother, I'm in like....5 or 6 clubs, a zero period, I deal with the whole crohn's/ cysts on my overies (yum, right? *emo*)/slight heart problems/a weak immunes system...Which isn't a huge deal, except that it means it's never really a question of whether or not I am sick, but HOW sick I am...And it means that I miss a ton of school, including hours of homework a week that needs to be made up. I'm a freaking straight A student, and I work my butt off for that. But, you know, I'm obviously a slacker. Well, you know what Mr.sfskldhdishf? I don't care. I don't need to impress you. I will NOT bow down to your level, and I will not take your crap. So pfft

. (I don't mean to sound all woe-is-me or whatever. A lot of my stress and the like I choose, and I wouldn't change most of it if I could. It just ticks me off that I do this, and he calls me a slacker. )

Zach Braff=adorable.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 08:11:16 GMT

You know how sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we don't want something, and slowly, come to almost believe it? But then something happens...You see, or read, or hear something, and you realize that you really do want that?

Yeah, it's happened to me TWICE today, and I'm a little annoyed. Not angry or upset...just a little annoyed. In an "Gah. That's reeeeaaally inconvenient" sort of way.

But whatever.

The last few weeks have been...different. I can't really explain it well, but it's like I'm watching everything from a slightly more third-person perspective. I realized that, with some help, I can get through this, in one whole piece. And that I'm stronger than whatever will come my way. Heck yes, turtle doves. Drown the soggy crackers and bury them in the mud. Let the grass grow from them, and may the snails eat all the algae.... Maybe it's like what Lauren Sr.(I think....:-/) said a while ago...Maybe the glasses offer some sort of dividing window of some sort. Or something.

Painting lavender, singing David Gray, twisted nails, talk of poppies, beautiful people, lost and founds, self-control, L.A and shoveling snow, "goal!", smelling like Emma Feesh, "Oh, oops! Wrong key!", "ate, ite ,ide. Nucliec acids, and Oh! That's right? I actually just guessed that...", rio de todo los rios!!!, the titanic between Australia and Africa, the shark the size of Japan, dirty school bathrooms, "I'm not playing your little boy games!!!", cooking, "You! Go to Hell! No!", awkward leg hugs, and Puff the Tragic Wagon. Good week.

And now, I go to bed and hope my throat feels better in the morning.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:37:21 GMT

What do you do when you have everything to say, but you can't seem to say it?

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 01:41:08 GMT

I can't do this forever..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

Guy love...Scrubs!

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 23:08:36 GMT

LOL. BRILLIANT.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 06:40:17 GMT

Today Did You--
--------------------
1. Talk to a boy/girl you like?
Yes, I had a fabulous conversation with Claire, the drunkard man who I miss hitting on me. *tear*

2. Learn anything new?
I learned that....almost crashing a car is preeeettty scary, that I love a lot of people more than I had any idea I did...And that Adam can be a pretty good friend when he wants to be.

3. Talk to an ex?
Umm.... I told one that he was being stupid, and that he needs to stop hitting on freshmen...

4. Miss someone?
Fo sho. (Wow...that was fun. :-P)

-Last Person Who-
------------------------
5. Layed in your bed?
Moi.

6. Made you cry?
Um. Stupid passport people/Steighner/certain friends/empathy/stress.

7. You went to the movies with?
Carol et Vanessa.

8. Went to the mall with you??
Bwaha. My father. I totally made him go with me to the La Suza (The Canadian version of Victoria Secret...) for a boxing day sale. I thought he was going to DIE. :-P

9. You showered with?
Uhm. :-P What do you think?

10. Who Made you laugh?
Myself. I do a lot of stupid things. ;-)

11. Said they loved you?
Erm...Claire, Sonja, or Bridget.... WAIT! NO! Ani.

General stuff--
-------------------
16. Favorite location?
Outside at night...

17. Tattoos?
None yet.

18. What are you most scared of right now?
Losing all my money. :-P Finals.

19. Where do you want to get married?
I don't. ;-P If I were going to though....Somewhere standard and simple.

20. Who do you like?
My friends....? What kind of question is....Oh. Right. Gotcha. And that's complicated at the moment.

21. Does anyone like you?
Yup. x_x

22. Do you like being around people?
Not unless I'm pretty close to them. Or they're good looking boys who speak forgien languages. (Just kidding. Sorta. )

23. when was the last time you cried?
Today, during theatre. Heck yes. ;-P

24. Are you lonely right now?
Not really, surprisingly.

25. Song stuck in your head right now?
Fever by Micheal Buble. I freaking love that song. "Romeo loved Juliet, Juliet, she felt the same... When he put his arms around, he said 'Julie Baby, you're my flame....Thou give us fever, when we kisseth, fever with thy flaming youth..'."

26. Been on radio/TV?
Both.

28. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
Psh. Welcome to my life....

30. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Light brownish...

31. Name three things that you do every day?
Listen to music, write, hug.

32. How much cash do you have on you right now?
A fair bit...More than I usually do.

34. Are you wearing socks?
Agh, no. Socks are eviiill.

35. Who got you to join Myspace? Dana.

37. Wish someone was next to you this morning when you woke up?
Sometimes, yes... It's nice. Especially if you're dating the person. ;-P It's quite relaxing.

38. What web site do you visit the most?
Yahoo mail

39. Do you have plants in your room?
I wish I did, but no.

40. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My back. Stupid school books.

Beauty in the breakdown...

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:10:09 GMT

FUCK.

I just talked to my dad....he said the passport office is incredibly backed up. To the point where they are getting 21,000 applicants a day. And he' doesn't think I'll have it in time.

It's so ....AGH...We applied in freaking AUGUST. We've spent hundreds of dollars talking to lawyers and the like, to get them all these insane papers that they want. I've had my picture taken five times. Last week, they told my father that the papers and my file was sitting on a desk. Now they're telling us that they've gone and freaking LOST it.

I don't think I've ever been so stressed out in my life. To make it worse, I have my biology final tomorrow, and I'm too busy having a flipping panic attack/mental breakdown to be able to study at all. I want to scream, and cry, and laugh hysterically, hug someone and break something all at the same time. Mostly though, I want to break down and be held. Unfortunately, that's not an option at the moment, is it?

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 02:15:48 GMT

Oh. My. Freaking. Goodness.

The Canadian passport office has lost my file. They just worked up the nerve to tell us that.

Which means we have to start from scratch.

Which also means that the chances of me going are pretty much zilch.

I'm going to call the Emergency Passport number tomorrow, and see if there's anything that they can do. For those of you who pray/keep things in thoughts/anything like that, can you maybe do so for this? If it doesn't go through, I lose the full 2600 dollars. And the whole tour experience. :-/

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 02:53:01 GMT

You know....While I completely adore and love Spencer and Don, I have to admit it totally creeps me out when they discuss my love life.

Or when they decide that I'm the type who is going to go to college, have an affair with my 50 yr old English professor, and then get kicked out of school.

~~Edit~~

Right...So, I'm listening to Micheal Buble....And I understand why they said it now. :-P

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me,
I get a fever that's so hard to bear

You give me fever...
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever in the morning
Fever all through the night...

Or....

Well, it's a marvelous night for a moon dance
With the stars up above in your eyes.
It's a fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies

*dies* :-P

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 08:02:40 GMT

Wonder...

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains,
at the huge waves of the sea,
at the long courses of rivers,
at the vast compass of the ocean,
at the circular motion of the stars;
And they pass by themselves without wondering.

~St. Augustine

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 23:53:29 GMT

Oh bugger.

Why is it that once things start to make sense, they get complicated again? Not exactly bad complicated...Just complicated...

On a side note, Alisha left the loser-face boyfriend. Thank the lord.

A revelation, and a question.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 06:06:50 GMT

*breathe* So. I talked to someone today. And I feel better. A lot...clearer. Might also be because my fever has gone down since my last post, but still... :-P

And I think I know what I have to do. It's like when you're cleaning a huge living room window... You can clean it from the inside for hours, and still, there will still be spots that stop the sun. But then you clean it from the outside, and suddenly, it's perfectly clear.

I'm broken. I think I have been for a while, I've just slowly become worse and worse at hiding it. But I've been trying to fix myself the wrong way. I have to go about it from both sides, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I can fix myself. But not alone. I just ask you all to be patient with me while I try. Because I have to get through this. If I don't....what else can I do?

A question though....What do you do when you realize that you've pushed away two of your best friends? When you've done enough to make them truly dislike you...and you don't blame them for it? When they finally hurt you because of it? Do you let them go? Do you accept that maybe, some friendships don't last forever? Or do you try to fix it? Start from the beginning and try to figure out what you did, and how to repair it? Please, I'd like to know what you all think.

I love you all, and I'm sorry for...everything lately. I know that it's hard to put up with silly emo 16 year old girls at times. And I'm grateful that you lot haven't killed me because of it. Esp. Lauren, Emsha, and Emma. But all of you.

~Dev